Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Generation gap…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!