The A string on my guit_r is flat
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.