To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
You Might Also Like
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.