Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
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[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Not all heroes wear capes….
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.