They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I get distracted pretty eas
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
crying
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably