Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
first you must answer his riddles
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.