Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat