[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Many hands make light work
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Here’s a meme
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
*updates tinder bio*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms