Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
#Caturday
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this