There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.