Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…