7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.