Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
You Might Also Like
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
bought wrong eggs
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.