[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
wut hotdog?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat