I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes