Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*