I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me