Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
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[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.