the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Current mood: Potato
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.