There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
the three branches of government
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
water it, i dare you
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.