[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster