me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.