me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I need a headline like this
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
You have been warned.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
who called it hell and not heaven’t
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa