Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My new favorite headline
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby