You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
🤣could you imagine
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.