me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver