I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks