The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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Well, that didn’t work.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow