People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream