police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
he’s doing your taxes