You Might Also Like
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”