[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Xylophonist Shredding It
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Feels like there should be a middle ground
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
This forever.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people