guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
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Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.