My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group