I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I’d hang this in my house.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”