2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
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Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
PARKOUR
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Realize this:
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“our sushi is very fresh”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*