The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef