Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
🤣😂
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
rise and shine we got egg
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
True statement👍😏😁
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.