dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
You Might Also Like
The people at this winery are acting like theyāve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
i pretend i donāt care about stuff but thatās only because i have no idea whatās going on around me at any given time.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know itās your stupid hair. Thatās what today has been like.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Dear Evolution,
Itās a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal š
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a ātrim around the earsā meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Iām not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be āout with friendsā
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.