I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
they really do be looking like this
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody