Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
LOL
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.