lmao
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose