How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
You better watch out
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.