the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
good for her
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Just grow your own