I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
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Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Me checking my bank balance online.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack