When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Bro what is this
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS