WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Simple
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.