People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
#parenting
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.