What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
found this cool rock hiking today
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe