Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered